Warning:  I need a place to get my crazy thoughts out of my head, so this blog is going to be where I do that.  I might make this blog private if things get too personal, but for now it will remain public - because the thought of possibly reaching ONE person who can relate to me gives me strength.  Thank you for reading...

When you just don't want to deal with stuff that needs dealing with, what do you do?

Netflix binge watching?
Binge eating?
Social Media surfing?

Unfortunately exercising hasn't been one of my avoidance behaviors lately!  But I've done everything else on that list.  Sometimes a mindless escape is what we need to cope with the bigger, uglier things happening to us.

For me, right now, it's health problems...and...and...and...a few others...but mainly dealing with the health problems has me all CRAY.

On the surface I seem fine.  I am mostly fine.  I am still ME.  But my subconscious mind is having a stronger effect on my actions and it really hard to ignore the fact that I truly am doing everything I can to AVOID my issues.

I found this blog that described my behavior so well, it actually made me feel better knowing that there MUST be others out there who act like this if a PHD is writing about it!  Here's what she says are the types of avoidance behavior:

"1. Distraction involves busying yourself and your mind with activities or thoughts to avoid confronting a problem — making phone calls, eating, shopping, and facebooking — basically twittering away your time.
2. Escape behavior consists of contriving a way to physically avoid an anxiety-provoking situation, such as faking an illness.
3. Procrastination means postponing action in an attempt to avoid the stress involved with taking that action — “I’ll do it tomorrow.” “I’ll do it after the holidays.”
4. Safety behavior includes self-soothing actions such as fidgeting, biting your nails, twirling your hair, or engaging in other repetitive nervous habits (or behaviors.) While safety behavior allows a person to stay physically present rather than escaping, the behavior often turns into a nervous habit preventing adequate focus to confront the situation."
Source:  http://www.sowhatireallymeant.com/2012/02/20/avoidance-behavior-“i’ve-been-dreading-telling-her-about-our-financial-problems-”/
I personally have done 1-3 many times!  I'm pretty sure I don't have any Safety Behaviors - but I will think about that a bit more and try to be more aware of my habits to identify if I do any of those things.
So, you might think it's weird to be avoiding issues with health - right?  I mean, I think it's weird!  What's the big friggin deal??  
Well, when I say it like that, it does seem a bit silly that I'm making it a "big friggin deal!"  So why am I torturing myself by worrying about things that "might" happen or worrying about how hard it's going to be for me to completely overhaul my diet and maybe once and for all overcome my sugar addiction?  
There it is.  PROOF.  I am scared of giving up sugar.
I am scared of giving up foods that I enjoy.
I am scared of failing.
I am scared of the possible extreme pain that lies in my future because of the protocol I'm doing for Lyme.  
I am scared of my RA progressing to the point where my hands and feet are so gnarled that I can't use them anymore.
I am scared that i can't do this.
Why am I letting FEAR control me?  
I used to pride myself in being a "take charge" kind of person.  Someone who wasn't afraid of conflict or problems, but who thrived in taking them head on and trying to figure things out. 
Where is that brave girl?  Who is this new weak version I've become?  
This idea about avoidance has been swirling around in my brain for weeks now.  I know I am avoiding things.  I'm avoiding processing things.  And in doing so I'm not allowing myself to accept my circumstances and move FORWARD.
I really hate it when I know what the right thing is to do, but I just don't WANT to do it.  
Most of the time I don't want to be an adult at all.   It's hard work!
Ultimately I know things will be fine.  I know I'm strong.  I know I can do these "hard things."  I know that I have an amazing family who supports me and lovely friends who also support me.  
Until next time... XOXO


One day at a time...

I started out this week strong and had high hopes for another successful week of eating right & exercising...but then Tuesday night got hit with some nasty upset stomach, got little sleep, and felt YUCKY all day Wednesday...and on top of that got my period.  BLAH!  So I didn't eat great (crackers, toast, soup...) and definitely didn't exercise.  But you know what?  I went to bed early, and woke up feeling SO MUCH BETTER today!

That's when I remembered the best advice ever given -- that applies to pretty much EVERYTHING...

Just take it






So, since I was feeling better today, I was ready to exercise!  It felt so good to get out and go for a walk, and of course to visit with my buddy Megan!  She suggested we start throwing in some walking lunges and squats into the mix, so we did that today and I'm pretty sure my legs will be sore tomorrow!  But it felt good.  Working hard always feels good!

I am so thankful for good friends!  I'm so thankful for a body that is able to exercise and I can't wait to get it into better shape so I can do more fun and adventurous things!


I mean it this time

I've been talking a big talk for a long while now...about how I really want to lose weight, NEED to lose weight for myriad of reasons...

1) for my HEALTH

2) because I want another BABY

3) to FEEL better

4) to have more ENERGY

yada yada yada

I'm sure many of you can relate.

Well, my issue has never really been exercise because I actually LIKE to exercise.  But my issue has always been eating.


Eating for the WRONG reasons

Eating the WRONG FOOD

Over the past few years I had developed some really bad habits.  And we all know that breaking bad habits is very hard to do!

BUT...  but but but but but!  I am DOING IT.

I have been following a handful of VERY inspirational people on Instagram who share their journey to health and weightloss with the world.  One in particular would say things in such a way that I seriously felt like she was READING MY MIND.  Like she knew EXACTLY how I felt about food, about my body, about MYSELF.  It didn't take long for me to take to heart what she was saying or rather what she was SHOWING ME ABOUT MYSELF, and my desire to change became something I thought about every day.

But I still wasn't being smart about what I ate, or how much I ate, or anything!  Then she posted an invitation to join her support group and I jumped at the chance!

So the way it works is we have to track everything we eat and our exercise (I'm using MyFitnessPal) and she sends us emails twice a day - morning and night.  She shares her own experiences and is helping us change how we think about food -- teaching us to be aware of WHY we are eating and helping us make better choices.  She also issues challenges to us and asks that we write back answering various questions -- really digging deep into ourselves.

WOW is it emotionally draining, but so therapeutic!  This past week has had lots of ups and downs, lots of tears, lots of "I don't know if I can do this!" moments, but ultimately lots of successes.  I never thought it would be so emotional for me or mentally exhausting re-training my brain to THINK about every bit of food that goes into my mouth -- and tracking everything.  It has been eye opening to see how many calories/fat/sugars I eat.


At this point I'm not going to share numbers details -- because it isn't the number on the scale that means the most to me.  But I will share the fact that I have already started losing.

It is so wonderful to me to discover that I CAN DO IT!  In the past, I've lost weight but not really because I was trying very hard to eat healthy -- it's usually been because I was nursing and exercising a lot.  It's about time for me to finally show myself the respect I deserve and love myself enough to live a healthy life!

I've had so many thoughts and feelings over the past week and I kept toying with writing in a journal, but let's be honest, I type much faster -- AND posting to the world (my dear friends and family) helps with my accountability.  And if what I share here helps even ONE person, then I will be so happy!

Thanks for reading!