I'm still avoiding making the necessary preparations.
I'm still making excuses.
I keep telling myself, THIS WEEK! I'll start THIS WEEK!
But, 3 weeks have flown by.
Then I say to myself, but Valentine's day is coming up! How can I enjoy Valentine's day without being able to eat any chocolate??? (Seriously? I have a real problem)
I love Orange Juice, and LEMONS, and LIMES! No citrus for a year? What??
My family loves going to movies -- how can I NOT have movie popcorn at the theater?? (unheard of, RIGHT? ha ha ha)
I love going to Disneyland -- what can I eat at Disneyland? NOTHING. UGH. So that means I have to pretty much pack any food or snacks I want EVERY SINGLE TIME I GO SOMEWHERE.
Oh, and I can only drink distilled water. WHAT?? I have to go to the store to buy water. Every time I take a pill, or brush my teeth, I have to use distilled water. CRAZY TALK! But it's part of the deal.
Are these things really THAT BIG OF A DEAL?? When compared to the BENEFITS I will get from doing this???? Why am I letting myself be such a whiny baby??
But I'm feeling guilty about it. It's like I'm trying to hide from it. Why? What am I so afraid of?
I'll tell you:
As silly as it may sound to some of you, meal planning, grocery list making, and grocery shopping cause me a lot of anxiety.
I've never liked it. I avoid it. Sometimes I avoid it to the point where our fridge and cupboards are practically empty.
I'm scared that I will fail.
I'm scared that I will be hungry all the time.
I'm scared that I will be a raging B because of the sugar withdrawals.
Learning to eat a completely new way - one I've never tried before - is daunting.
I'm afraid of the intestinal cleansing. (um, enemas sound DISGUSTING and uncomfortable!)
I think I'm a little afraid of the work. It will be a lot of WORK.
I still wake up in pain every day.
I still have pain that lasts throughout the day.
I want it to go away.
I want my Lyme levels to be equivocal or negative so I can finally get pregnant.
Yes, I still want that 5th baby. That desire has never left me.
So it's time to just SUCK IT UP and DO IT.
I know this trial is for my betterment. I know I have a lot to learn about what I'm capable of, and I'm ready.