I haven't had the most energy lately to get normal household tasks done, so on days like today when I wake up and actually have the energy and drive to get things done, I am a force to be reckoned with. Well, I had a list of things that needed to be done, one of which was preparing a soup for our HFPE night tonight. So, as I'm busily chopping onions, garlic, cilantro, etc. my boys are playing out in the backyard. I'm grateful that they are entertaining themselves outside while I do this, but also worried that they are making a HUGE mess with the dirt from the garden. Well, I had good reason to be worried. As I plugged in the crockpot and turned it on, Joshy comes around the corner with his big Tonka dump truck filled with dirt. I calmly asked him to take it back outside because I don't want the dirt in the house. As I watch him turn it around and push it back across the living room, I see that the truck and his shoes are covered with clods of wet dirt (not mud, but wet dirt...wet enough that it stuck to the wheels and his shoes).
I grab the mini-vac to clean it up and as I look over at the sliding door, I see Jakob carrying part of the little fence I had put up around the garden. This is where I start to lose it. I walk over to the door, ask him "WHAT...ARE...YOU...DOING?" Uh-oh. There's the beast again. He looks at me with a look that tells me he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong. The dirt-filled dump truck never made it back outside, it was sitting on the doormat which was also covered with dirt, right inside the door. So, I tell both boys that they are to come inside and sit on the bottom step (our time-out spot). Of course there is a lot of screaming and crying and protesting...but THERE IS DIRT/MUD everywhere now and I am NOT happy that I have to clean it up. I'm thinking, "Is this seriously the price I have to pay just to have 10 minutes to get something done?" SHEESH. Ok, so I vacuum all of the dirt up, and then after I've done that, realize that I should have had them take their shoes off because now there is even more dirt in the house. So, I then have to clean that up AGAIN. All this anger and frustration is just eating my energy for the day...which makes me even angrier and more frustrated! My boys are looking sad and pathetic and afraid of their crazy mommy, and all I can think of is just getting everything ready to get out of the house and start my errands.
So, the shoes come off and are thrown on the front porch -- out of sight, out of mind. I know Joshy and if he could play with dirty shoes, or anything invovling dirt, he would. And he'd love making that mess. But what I wish he would understand is that I DO NOT love cleaning up that mess! He's 2. How can I honestly expect him to understand that?
So, I'm storming around getting everything ready to go while both boys remain on the step. Oh, wait, no, just Jakob remained on the step. Joshy went upstairs and shut himself in the bathroom. Jakob warns me that Joshy's probably sticking his hands in the toilet. To which I reply, "Oh well."
I get the diaper bag ready and grab what I need and head out to the car. Jakob starts to panic - "Wait, Mom!" Then I call to him to come get in the car. He looks very relieved and excited because today is Park Day. Then I say to him, "Stay in your seat. I am going to get Joshy." I walk back inside and can hear the bathroom door handle rattling. Joshy is stuck in the bathroom saying, "I can't do it Mom. Help, Mom, I can't do it Mom." So I open the door and to my surprise don't see any water anywhere. The toilet looks untouched (thank goodness) and the only bummer is that I can smell his stinky diaper. So, we change his diaper and head out to the car.
Once I have them both buckled in, I sit there for a moment with the A/C on full blast trying to cool off and clear my head. I feel terrible about how I yelled at them and how I handled the situation. I start to think, "These are my angels. They do not deserve to be treated like that. EVER."
So, I start to cry a little bit, and Jakob says, "Are you OK Mom?"
I reply, "No."
He says, "What's wrong?"
Joshy says, "You bonked your head?"
"I feel bad about yelling at you, " I say.
Joshy says again, "You got an owie? You bonked your head?"
Jakob answers, "No, Mommy feels bad for us because we were bad."
I say, "No, I feel bad because I lost control and yelled at you."
"It's OK Mom," says Jakob.
"No, it's not OK. It's not OK for me to yell at you and get so mad like that," I say.
"I'm sorry I was playing in the dirt and made a mess, " says Jakob.
"Thank you for saying your sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you," I replied.
Then I turned around and looked at them and said, "I love you guys more than anything and I don't want you to be afraid of me because I'm scary when I get mad. I am so sorry."
Then Jakob, being the true angel he is, says, "Mom, let's say a good prayer before we go, to help you feel better and not be so sad."
To that I say, "Ok, that's a good idea," and think to myself, how did I ever get so lucky to have a sweet kid like this??????
Jakob proceeds to say a sweet, sincere prayer asking for me to be blessed to not be sad and to feel better and for he and Joshy not to be bad anymore.
That totally changed my mood and my attitude for the day. Thank goodness for children who are so sweet and innocent. I just need to work harder on remembering that and not focusing so much on all the stupid little naughty things they do.
I know I truly am blessed to have beautiful healthy boys, and wouldn't trade them for anything. I pray that I will be able to show them how much I love them and not lose control so much when they do things to make me mad.
Today was an eye opener...one that I needed desperately...
LIFE ISN'T SO BAD AFTER ALL...