dragging my feet and excuses, excuses

The initial shock/anxiety about the complete diet overhaul for this new protocol I'm going to do has worn off, yet I'm still dragging my feet.

I'm still avoiding making the necessary preparations.

I'm still making excuses.

I keep telling myself, THIS WEEK!  I'll start THIS WEEK!

But, 3 weeks have flown by.

Then I say to myself, but Valentine's day is coming up!  How can I enjoy Valentine's day without being able to eat any chocolate???  (Seriously?  I have a real problem)

I love Orange Juice, and LEMONS, and LIMES!  No citrus for a year?  What??

My family loves going to movies -- how can I NOT have movie popcorn at the theater??  (unheard of, RIGHT? ha ha ha)

I love going to Disneyland -- what can I eat at Disneyland?  NOTHING.  UGH. So that means I have to pretty much pack any food or snacks I want EVERY SINGLE TIME I GO SOMEWHERE.

Oh, and I can only drink distilled water.  WHAT??  I have to go to the store to buy water.  Every time I take a pill, or brush my teeth, I have to use distilled water.  CRAZY TALK!  But it's part of the deal.

Are these things really THAT BIG OF A DEAL??  When compared to the BENEFITS I will get from doing this????  Why am I letting myself be such a whiny baby??

But I'm feeling guilty about it.  It's like I'm trying to hide from it.  Why?  What am I so afraid of?

I'll tell you:

As silly as it may sound to some of you, meal planning, grocery list making, and grocery shopping cause me a lot of anxiety.

I've never liked it.  I avoid it.  Sometimes I avoid it to the point where our fridge and cupboards are practically empty.

I'm scared that I will fail.

I'm scared that I will be hungry all the time.

I'm scared that I will be a raging B because of the sugar withdrawals.

Learning to eat a completely new way - one I've never tried before - is daunting.

I'm afraid of the intestinal cleansing.  (um, enemas sound DISGUSTING and uncomfortable!)

I think I'm a little afraid of the work.  It will be a lot of WORK.

BUT

BUT

BUT

I still wake up in pain every day.

I still have pain that lasts throughout the day.

I want it to go away.

I want my Lyme levels to be equivocal or negative so I can finally get pregnant.

Yes, I still want that 5th baby.  That desire has never left me.

So it's time to just SUCK IT UP and DO IT.

I know this trial is for my betterment.  I know I have a lot to learn about what I'm capable of, and I'm ready.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

I can do this!

just get it out of your system

are you one of those people who just has to get things out of your system?  I am!

when i'm mad or frustrated or hurt or whatever icky feeling is going on inside me, i am not one to hold it in and let it fester.  i have a pretty low boiling point in fact!

so, after i let it out yesterday, i felt so much better.

today is a new day, and i woke up (in pain as usual) but in a much happier mood!

yay for saturdays!

disa-frustr-angry

how i feel today:

disappointed

frustrated

angry




i don't write anything here for pity, so please, pretty please if you're reading this, don't pity me.  sometimes people just need to be pissed off and vent.


disappointed because felt stretched very thin yesterday and didn't feel any support

frustrated because i let that get the best of me and spoke harshly to those i love

angry because being in pain is exhausting and well feeling shitty is just SHITTY



angry because sometimes i give in and feel sorry for myself

disappointed because i let myself wallow

frustrated because i know it's stupid to wallow



disappointed because i'm not the kind of mom i want to be

frustrated because i let myself take things personally

angry because - honestly, sometimes i like to be angry-- like it's some warped way of rebelling against all the crap that i feel on a daily basis



oh.  and i'm tired.


so, so, so, so, so tired.