irony

I just did the new member orientation yesterday for the protocol I'm going to start next week to treat Lyme and Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Holy moly!  I am overwhelmed.

The diet is the most important part of this protocol (with the exception of the bx catalyst) and I am freaking out!

My first reaction to learning about the diet was one of resistance and sadness.

NO SUGAR FOR AT LEAST A YEAR?

NO DAIRY or MEAT for the first 5 WEEKS?

UM.  UMM.  UMMMM.

Sounds impossible to me.

Oh yeah, and not to mention the "pre-cleanse" requires that I do intestinal cleansing 5 days in a row, including AT LEAST one enema.

YIPPY!

During that time I have to do a 3 day juice cleanse.

Then a distilled water fast.

Seriously?  What the heck did I sign myself up for????

TORTURE.  It sounds like TORTURE to me!  No joke.

Every part of me is like, RUN, RUN AWAY!

Every part of me that is, except that teeny, tiny voice in the back of my mind that's saying, "This will SAVE you."

I'm not "dying" from Lyme.

I'm not "dying" from Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I AM "dying" from eating crap all the time though.

I am not taking care of my body in the way that it so desperately needs to be taken care of.

I've tried "eating right" and "exercising" and "tracking my food" and "etc, etc.." and it WORKED.  But it didn't last long.  I gave up.  I retreated back to my "comfort zone" of laziness and junk food.

Why?  Why is it so difficult to take care of myself?

I'll tell you why.  Because I truly have an addiction to FOOD, and more specifically, to SUGAR.

I am 100% convinced of this.

So, in an ironic turn of events, I am diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, and then with Lyme Disease.

Then I am given the amazing opportunity to participate in a special treatment program that will not only help with Lyme, but also with RA!

AND...AND...AND...my sugar addiction.

You see, the bx catalyst cannot do its job if I'm eating crap.

So, if I want the bx to work, then I need to follow the diet explicitly.

I've never done anything like this before - with so much on the line - and it's ironic to me that I had to get RA and Lyme in order to finally kick my sugar habit.

I think I am more excited about that than anything else at this point.  If I can get my body healthy (minus the RA and the Lyme) then I KNOW I will start to feel better.

I'm trying to be positive and optimistic - I don't want to waste energy on worrying and being sad that I won't get to drink a coke or eat ice cream ever again.  (well, maybe not NEVER, but at least for the next year!)

Im looking forward to being FREE of the hold that sugar has on me.

It's going to be hard, and it's going to suck sometimes, but I have to do it.

I hope I can.

Avoidance

Warning:  I need a place to get my crazy thoughts out of my head, so this blog is going to be where I do that.  I might make this blog private if things get too personal, but for now it will remain public - because the thought of possibly reaching ONE person who can relate to me gives me strength.  Thank you for reading...

When you just don't want to deal with stuff that needs dealing with, what do you do?

Netflix binge watching?
Binge eating?
Social Media surfing?
Reading?
Cleaning?
Exercise?
Shopping?

Unfortunately exercising hasn't been one of my avoidance behaviors lately!  But I've done everything else on that list.  Sometimes a mindless escape is what we need to cope with the bigger, uglier things happening to us.

For me, right now, it's health problems...and...and...and...a few others...but mainly dealing with the health problems has me all CRAY.

On the surface I seem fine.  I am mostly fine.  I am still ME.  But my subconscious mind is having a stronger effect on my actions and it really hard to ignore the fact that I truly am doing everything I can to AVOID my issues.

I found this blog that described my behavior so well, it actually made me feel better knowing that there MUST be others out there who act like this if a PHD is writing about it!  Here's what she says are the types of avoidance behavior:

"1. Distraction involves busying yourself and your mind with activities or thoughts to avoid confronting a problem — making phone calls, eating, shopping, and facebooking — basically twittering away your time.

2. Escape behavior consists of contriving a way to physically avoid an anxiety-provoking situation, such as faking an illness.

3. Procrastination means postponing action in an attempt to avoid the stress involved with taking that action — “I’ll do it tomorrow.” “I’ll do it after the holidays.”

4. Safety behavior includes self-soothing actions such as fidgeting, biting your nails, twirling your hair, or engaging in other repetitive nervous habits (or behaviors.) While safety behavior allows a person to stay physically present rather than escaping, the behavior often turns into a nervous habit preventing adequate focus to confront the situation."

Source:  http://www.sowhatireallymeant.com/2012/02/20/avoidance-behavior-“i’ve-been-dreading-telling-her-about-our-financial-problems-”/

I personally have done 1-3 many times!  I'm pretty sure I don't have any Safety Behaviors - but I will think about that a bit more and try to be more aware of my habits to identify if I do any of those things.

So, you might think it's weird to be avoiding issues with health - right?  I mean, I think it's weird!  What's the big friggin deal??  

Well, when I say it like that, it does seem a bit silly that I'm making it a "big friggin deal!"  So why am I torturing myself by worrying about things that "might" happen or worrying about how hard it's going to be for me to completely overhaul my diet and maybe once and for all overcome my sugar addiction?  

AH-HA!  

There it is.  PROOF.  I am scared of giving up sugar.

I am scared of giving up foods that I enjoy.

I am scared of failing.

I am scared of the possible extreme pain that lies in my future because of the protocol I'm doing for Lyme.  

I am scared of my RA progressing to the point where my hands and feet are so gnarled that I can't use them anymore.

I am scared that i can't do this.

Why am I letting FEAR control me?  

I used to pride myself in being a "take charge" kind of person.  Someone who wasn't afraid of conflict or problems, but who thrived in taking them head on and trying to figure things out. 

Where is that brave girl?  Who is this new weak version I've become?  

This idea about avoidance has been swirling around in my brain for weeks now.  I know I am avoiding things.  I'm avoiding processing things.  And in doing so I'm not allowing myself to accept my circumstances and move FORWARD.

I really hate it when I know what the right thing is to do, but I just don't WANT to do it.  

Most of the time I don't want to be an adult at all.   It's hard work!

Ultimately I know things will be fine.  I know I'm strong.  I know I can do these "hard things."  I know that I have an amazing family who supports me and lovely friends who also support me.  

Until next time... XOXO