Warning:  I need a place to get my crazy thoughts out of my head, so this blog is going to be where I do that.  I might make this blog private if things get too personal, but for now it will remain public - because the thought of possibly reaching ONE person who can relate to me gives me strength.  Thank you for reading...

When you just don't want to deal with stuff that needs dealing with, what do you do?

Netflix binge watching?
Binge eating?
Social Media surfing?

Unfortunately exercising hasn't been one of my avoidance behaviors lately!  But I've done everything else on that list.  Sometimes a mindless escape is what we need to cope with the bigger, uglier things happening to us.

For me, right now, it's health problems...and...and...and...a few others...but mainly dealing with the health problems has me all CRAY.

On the surface I seem fine.  I am mostly fine.  I am still ME.  But my subconscious mind is having a stronger effect on my actions and it really hard to ignore the fact that I truly am doing everything I can to AVOID my issues.

I found this blog that described my behavior so well, it actually made me feel better knowing that there MUST be others out there who act like this if a PHD is writing about it!  Here's what she says are the types of avoidance behavior:

"1. Distraction involves busying yourself and your mind with activities or thoughts to avoid confronting a problem — making phone calls, eating, shopping, and facebooking — basically twittering away your time.
2. Escape behavior consists of contriving a way to physically avoid an anxiety-provoking situation, such as faking an illness.
3. Procrastination means postponing action in an attempt to avoid the stress involved with taking that action — “I’ll do it tomorrow.” “I’ll do it after the holidays.”
4. Safety behavior includes self-soothing actions such as fidgeting, biting your nails, twirling your hair, or engaging in other repetitive nervous habits (or behaviors.) While safety behavior allows a person to stay physically present rather than escaping, the behavior often turns into a nervous habit preventing adequate focus to confront the situation."
Source:  http://www.sowhatireallymeant.com/2012/02/20/avoidance-behavior-“i’ve-been-dreading-telling-her-about-our-financial-problems-”/
I personally have done 1-3 many times!  I'm pretty sure I don't have any Safety Behaviors - but I will think about that a bit more and try to be more aware of my habits to identify if I do any of those things.
So, you might think it's weird to be avoiding issues with health - right?  I mean, I think it's weird!  What's the big friggin deal??  
Well, when I say it like that, it does seem a bit silly that I'm making it a "big friggin deal!"  So why am I torturing myself by worrying about things that "might" happen or worrying about how hard it's going to be for me to completely overhaul my diet and maybe once and for all overcome my sugar addiction?  
There it is.  PROOF.  I am scared of giving up sugar.
I am scared of giving up foods that I enjoy.
I am scared of failing.
I am scared of the possible extreme pain that lies in my future because of the protocol I'm doing for Lyme.  
I am scared of my RA progressing to the point where my hands and feet are so gnarled that I can't use them anymore.
I am scared that i can't do this.
Why am I letting FEAR control me?  
I used to pride myself in being a "take charge" kind of person.  Someone who wasn't afraid of conflict or problems, but who thrived in taking them head on and trying to figure things out. 
Where is that brave girl?  Who is this new weak version I've become?  
This idea about avoidance has been swirling around in my brain for weeks now.  I know I am avoiding things.  I'm avoiding processing things.  And in doing so I'm not allowing myself to accept my circumstances and move FORWARD.
I really hate it when I know what the right thing is to do, but I just don't WANT to do it.  
Most of the time I don't want to be an adult at all.   It's hard work!
Ultimately I know things will be fine.  I know I'm strong.  I know I can do these "hard things."  I know that I have an amazing family who supports me and lovely friends who also support me.  
Until next time... XOXO

1 comment:

Sonya Pupunu said...

I love you Shari, I tried to post this long comment and it got erased.
Just know that I "get" this and we all avoid doing things that are not fun or pleasant. I've been avoiding my health for too long as well and I'm trying to change it this year.
Call me anytime, you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.