Limits

It's true that I have chronic pain that limits what activities I can do.  However, this morning I woke up thinking about how I've let those limits not just "limit" me, but STOP me from doing things I want/need to be doing.  More specifically, exercise.  The funny/ironic thing about this is that with arthritis, the less active you are, the more pain you feel because your joints don't stay warm and loose.    But but but I have no time!  I have no energy!  Tax season has sucked the life out of me!  I am BARELY surviving each day with working and taking care of the kids and what little housework I can keep up with.  The other major annoying limit is that my pain is the worst in the morning -- which in the past, was my favorite time to exercise.  And now I can't.  Well, at least that's what I've been telling myself.  But this morning, as I hobbled to the bathroom for my morning pee, I said to myself, I'm SICK of being limited!  So, it's time for me to adjust my state of mind.  I have to just accept that morning workouts just aren't going to happen for me...until my body is feeling better.  So I am making a goal to try to do SOMETHING - a short walk, yoga video (if my wrists are OK), bike ride...SOMETHING!  AT least 3 times a week.  I know I can squeeze in 3 things.  Eventually I truly hope to be running again...but my dang feet hurt too much I can't even imagine trying to run right now!  Super annoying and frustrating -- but I need to stop looking at these problems as limits, and instead treat them as obstacles that I can work around and readjust.  

On a happier note, guess what???  4.5 weeks ago when I started the BX, my initial weigh-in was 256.2lbs.  (SCARY!)  Today, my weigh-in is 239.0lbs.  Still high, (in fact it's how much I weighed the day I gave birth to Drew!) but a MAJOR improvement.  Proof that what you eat matters!  I've been sugar-free and vegan this whole time -- and not gluten free, but very very limited gluten.  On saturday I will have reached my 5 week mark, and can slowly start adding very limited amounts of meat back into my diet, as well, as butter and cottage cheese -- but that's it for dairy.  I'm not gonna lie, I've been craving red meat!  So I hope I get a big fat steak for my birthday!  Its not the same as a piece of cheesecake, but it sounds pretty darn good right about now!  Ha ha.  

So, I'm excited to see if my weightloss continues...I can't imagine that it won't, because I have to eat like this until next March.  It's not easy, but I know I can do it.  

Beyond weightloss, and hopefully RA symptoms in remission, the thing I look forward to most is hopefully having another baby.  I never thought I'd be trying to get pregnant at age 40 (next year), and I feel a little crazy about it, but I feel like it's supposed to happen.  

Also, still no noticeable reactions to the BX yet -- so not sure how my body will feel when/if it starts working.  Fingers crossed it isn't too bad.  If you're curious about what I'm talking about, here's a good explanation of what I will probably experience when the bad cells start dying off:

https://www.chronicillnessrecovery.org/?id=161

Happy Hump Day!

1 week in...

Well, I have made it one week into this new lifestyle!

Guess what?  I am surprised and happy to report that I have lost 9 pounds!  Now, this isn't atypical for me, because based on past experiences when my system is shocked and I drastically change my eating habits, I quickly lose 10 or so pounds in the first 2 weeks.  Then it tapers off to about 1-2 lbs per week.  So...I guess I'm on par...  But happy about it nonetheless!

I felt very weak on day 3 of the juice cleanse - partly because i was extremely busy that day and had hardly any time to make myself a juice, but also because I endured a massive root canal, and that was draining in itself.  So, by the evening of day 4 of my pre-cleanse (juice cleanse was days 2,3,4) I was ready to collapse.  Then I began my distilled water fast, which was supposed to be a 10 hour fast, but turned into a 20 hour fast because I was awaiting dosing instructions from my case manager.  I was hoping to hear from him when I woke up, but nothing...then I had to go to work and so I wasn't able to get online until 1:15pm -- and I'd been fasting since 5:30pm the night before.  Needless to say I was a little shaky and blood sugar was low -- I needed food!  I was happy to see that I had dosing instructions when I came home from work, so I administered my first dose of the BX energy catalyst and then had to wait 30 minutes more before I could eat anything.

When I was finally able to eat -- and I was back to SOLID foods -- I could hardly eat because my tooth and jaw were so sore from the root canal the day before!  :(  It took me almost 40 minutes to eat an english muffin (Ezekiel sprouted grain!) with cashew butter and a small banana, with a small glass of almond milk.  But, it felt good to get some food in me, and thankfully my tooth/jaw have improved every day since, making eating a bit easier on me.

This weekend I plan to gather a larger variety of foods, and hopefully do some meal prep for myself.  It's not easy #1, trying to figure out what I CAN eat & #2, preparing food for the rest of the family, and then for myself.  So, if I do some prep ahead of time, I will be much happier!

One more month of tax season and then life will get easier.  I don't like working every day -- it leaves me very little time to take care of what needs to be done at home, and then when I am home and have a few minutes, all I want to do is collapse on my bed!  I don't think Brad has a clue how draining this is for me.  But I don't want to complain because I know it's hard on him too.

Just for my records here is what a typical day is like for me:

5:45am - Wake-up (I move very slowly in the morning so it usually takes me about 20-30 minutes to get going)
6:15am - make sure kids are up and getting ready for school; help with breakfasts, make Aleks's lunch, help him get his backpack ready, etc...
7:15/7:30 - scriptures and prayers
7:45am - get kids to school
8:00am - administer the BX, record vitals (Blood pressure, temperature, PH, weight, O2, etc), record previous day's symptoms, read and respond to any messages on BX website
8:30am - get in the shower to get ready for work
8:50am - grab something to eat
9:00am - 1:00pm -- WORK
1:15pm - eat lunch
1:30pm - pick up Aleks from school
2:15pm - pick up Drew from school
2:30 - help with homework, take to piano lessons or sports practices or cub scouts, etc
5:30/6:30 - make dinner
7:30pm - start getting Aleks and Drew ready for bed & tucked in
8:30-9pm - make sure Jakob and Josh are getting ready for bed, say good-night
9pm - Brad is usually home around this time
9:30/10pm - collapse into bed.  try to catch up on a TV show, fall asleep.

** This of course doesn't include all the many errands I have to run - to the grocery store, post office, doctors appointments, etc.

** also, somewhere in all this I have to fit in tidying up the house and keeping up with laundry.

JUST SHOOT ME NOW!  just kidding.  It's a busy life, but a happy life.  I am not all doom and gloom, I am aware of how blessed we are, and am constantly trying to maintain a grateful heart.  I know that gratitude can help me get through these tough times.

xoxo, Shari

Pre-Cleanse Days 1 & 2

I have officially begun my journey into the BX world...

The way this protocol works is that you first have to complete a 5 day "pre-cleanse" in which you begin adhering to the BX Diet, do a 3 day juice cleanse (smoothies are OK too), and then on the evening of the 4th day, begin a distilled water fast for 10 hours before administering the first dose of the BX energy catalyst on the morning of day 5.  Oh yeah, and you also have to do intestinal cleansing every day too.  I promise not to go into detail about that part.  EW.  Just EW.  This is what I think of every time I hear the word enema: https://youtu.be/jKofnVkUwBA

Anyway...yesterday was hard.  I wasn't prepared and we didn't have much in the house that fell within the parameters of the BX diet.  So, I was HANGRY and just generally pissed at my situation and unfortunately was very moody and not too nice to my family.  BUT, I went shopping last night, and got enough to get me through my 3 day juice cleanse, and that reduced a lot of my stress.

Just as in times past where I've tried to change my eating habits, it's very MENTAL, and I understand this, but it's also EMOTIONAL.  Here are a few reasons why I'm lamenting the loss of sugar and hundreds of other foods from my life...

Food has so many meanings!

It means FAMILY!

It means CELEBRATIONS!

It means TREATS!

It means HOLIDAYS!

It means COMFORT!

It means ENTERTAINMENT!

I kept focusing on LOSING those things...but in reality, I'm not losing any of those things!  They might be altered because I will have to modify the foods -- but I will still get to participate in all of those things, and I know I can still find joy!

Today I woke up feeling more optimistic than I was yesterday...I know it's only day 2, but taking it one day at a time, like everything else in my life, is what keeps me sane.  I know that positive thoughts will become positive words and actions, and so I am trying to see the positives in this situation.  There are many!

1.  I know I will feel better
2.  I will most likely lose weight
3.  There are still a ton of foods on my approved list that I LOVE
4.  This process will help me get healthy so that I can hopefully have another baby
5.  I will learn how to eat healthier and incorporate that into how my family eats, resulting in everyone getting healthier

I also know that there will be many hard days ahead, and that as my body heals and the bad cells die off, I will feel like crap.  BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT.

So, I thought I'd share 2 recipes from what i've eaten today:

Purple Cow

1/2 head of red cabbage, cut into wedges
2 kale leaves
1 red bell pepper, quartered
2 red apples, cut into wedges

Juice the cabbage first, followed by the kale, pepper, and apples.

(This recipe was taken from "The Complete Book of Juicing" by Michael T. Murray)

For lunch I wanted something sweeter -- so I made up a smoothie:

1 cup coconut water
1 medium banana
6 large strawberries, hulled
1/2 cup blueberries
2 kiwi fruit, peeled
1 small avocado
1 cup ice

Blend until smooth and enjoy!

dragging my feet and excuses, excuses

The initial shock/anxiety about the complete diet overhaul for this new protocol I'm going to do has worn off, yet I'm still dragging my feet.

I'm still avoiding making the necessary preparations.

I'm still making excuses.

I keep telling myself, THIS WEEK!  I'll start THIS WEEK!

But, 3 weeks have flown by.

Then I say to myself, but Valentine's day is coming up!  How can I enjoy Valentine's day without being able to eat any chocolate???  (Seriously?  I have a real problem)

I love Orange Juice, and LEMONS, and LIMES!  No citrus for a year?  What??

My family loves going to movies -- how can I NOT have movie popcorn at the theater??  (unheard of, RIGHT? ha ha ha)

I love going to Disneyland -- what can I eat at Disneyland?  NOTHING.  UGH. So that means I have to pretty much pack any food or snacks I want EVERY SINGLE TIME I GO SOMEWHERE.

Oh, and I can only drink distilled water.  WHAT??  I have to go to the store to buy water.  Every time I take a pill, or brush my teeth, I have to use distilled water.  CRAZY TALK!  But it's part of the deal.

Are these things really THAT BIG OF A DEAL??  When compared to the BENEFITS I will get from doing this????  Why am I letting myself be such a whiny baby??

But I'm feeling guilty about it.  It's like I'm trying to hide from it.  Why?  What am I so afraid of?

I'll tell you:

As silly as it may sound to some of you, meal planning, grocery list making, and grocery shopping cause me a lot of anxiety.

I've never liked it.  I avoid it.  Sometimes I avoid it to the point where our fridge and cupboards are practically empty.

I'm scared that I will fail.

I'm scared that I will be hungry all the time.

I'm scared that I will be a raging B because of the sugar withdrawals.

Learning to eat a completely new way - one I've never tried before - is daunting.

I'm afraid of the intestinal cleansing.  (um, enemas sound DISGUSTING and uncomfortable!)

I think I'm a little afraid of the work.  It will be a lot of WORK.

BUT

BUT

BUT

I still wake up in pain every day.

I still have pain that lasts throughout the day.

I want it to go away.

I want my Lyme levels to be equivocal or negative so I can finally get pregnant.

Yes, I still want that 5th baby.  That desire has never left me.

So it's time to just SUCK IT UP and DO IT.

I know this trial is for my betterment.  I know I have a lot to learn about what I'm capable of, and I'm ready.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

I can do this!

just get it out of your system

are you one of those people who just has to get things out of your system?  I am!

when i'm mad or frustrated or hurt or whatever icky feeling is going on inside me, i am not one to hold it in and let it fester.  i have a pretty low boiling point in fact!

so, after i let it out yesterday, i felt so much better.

today is a new day, and i woke up (in pain as usual) but in a much happier mood!

yay for saturdays!

disa-frustr-angry

how i feel today:

disappointed

frustrated

angry




i don't write anything here for pity, so please, pretty please if you're reading this, don't pity me.  sometimes people just need to be pissed off and vent.


disappointed because felt stretched very thin yesterday and didn't feel any support

frustrated because i let that get the best of me and spoke harshly to those i love

angry because being in pain is exhausting and well feeling shitty is just SHITTY



angry because sometimes i give in and feel sorry for myself

disappointed because i let myself wallow

frustrated because i know it's stupid to wallow



disappointed because i'm not the kind of mom i want to be

frustrated because i let myself take things personally

angry because - honestly, sometimes i like to be angry-- like it's some warped way of rebelling against all the crap that i feel on a daily basis



oh.  and i'm tired.


so, so, so, so, so tired.

irony

I just did the new member orientation yesterday for the protocol I'm going to start next week to treat Lyme and Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Holy moly!  I am overwhelmed.

The diet is the most important part of this protocol (with the exception of the bx catalyst) and I am freaking out!

My first reaction to learning about the diet was one of resistance and sadness.

NO SUGAR FOR AT LEAST A YEAR?

NO DAIRY or MEAT for the first 5 WEEKS?

UM.  UMM.  UMMMM.

Sounds impossible to me.

Oh yeah, and not to mention the "pre-cleanse" requires that I do intestinal cleansing 5 days in a row, including AT LEAST one enema.

YIPPY!

During that time I have to do a 3 day juice cleanse.

Then a distilled water fast.

Seriously?  What the heck did I sign myself up for????

TORTURE.  It sounds like TORTURE to me!  No joke.

Every part of me is like, RUN, RUN AWAY!

Every part of me that is, except that teeny, tiny voice in the back of my mind that's saying, "This will SAVE you."

I'm not "dying" from Lyme.

I'm not "dying" from Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I AM "dying" from eating crap all the time though.

I am not taking care of my body in the way that it so desperately needs to be taken care of.

I've tried "eating right" and "exercising" and "tracking my food" and "etc, etc.." and it WORKED.  But it didn't last long.  I gave up.  I retreated back to my "comfort zone" of laziness and junk food.

Why?  Why is it so difficult to take care of myself?

I'll tell you why.  Because I truly have an addiction to FOOD, and more specifically, to SUGAR.

I am 100% convinced of this.

So, in an ironic turn of events, I am diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, and then with Lyme Disease.

Then I am given the amazing opportunity to participate in a special treatment program that will not only help with Lyme, but also with RA!

AND...AND...AND...my sugar addiction.

You see, the bx catalyst cannot do its job if I'm eating crap.

So, if I want the bx to work, then I need to follow the diet explicitly.

I've never done anything like this before - with so much on the line - and it's ironic to me that I had to get RA and Lyme in order to finally kick my sugar habit.

I think I am more excited about that than anything else at this point.  If I can get my body healthy (minus the RA and the Lyme) then I KNOW I will start to feel better.

I'm trying to be positive and optimistic - I don't want to waste energy on worrying and being sad that I won't get to drink a coke or eat ice cream ever again.  (well, maybe not NEVER, but at least for the next year!)

Im looking forward to being FREE of the hold that sugar has on me.

It's going to be hard, and it's going to suck sometimes, but I have to do it.

I hope I can.

Avoidance

Warning:  I need a place to get my crazy thoughts out of my head, so this blog is going to be where I do that.  I might make this blog private if things get too personal, but for now it will remain public - because the thought of possibly reaching ONE person who can relate to me gives me strength.  Thank you for reading...

When you just don't want to deal with stuff that needs dealing with, what do you do?

Netflix binge watching?
Binge eating?
Social Media surfing?
Reading?
Cleaning?
Exercise?
Shopping?

Unfortunately exercising hasn't been one of my avoidance behaviors lately!  But I've done everything else on that list.  Sometimes a mindless escape is what we need to cope with the bigger, uglier things happening to us.

For me, right now, it's health problems...and...and...and...a few others...but mainly dealing with the health problems has me all CRAY.

On the surface I seem fine.  I am mostly fine.  I am still ME.  But my subconscious mind is having a stronger effect on my actions and it really hard to ignore the fact that I truly am doing everything I can to AVOID my issues.

I found this blog that described my behavior so well, it actually made me feel better knowing that there MUST be others out there who act like this if a PHD is writing about it!  Here's what she says are the types of avoidance behavior:

"1. Distraction involves busying yourself and your mind with activities or thoughts to avoid confronting a problem — making phone calls, eating, shopping, and facebooking — basically twittering away your time.

2. Escape behavior consists of contriving a way to physically avoid an anxiety-provoking situation, such as faking an illness.

3. Procrastination means postponing action in an attempt to avoid the stress involved with taking that action — “I’ll do it tomorrow.” “I’ll do it after the holidays.”

4. Safety behavior includes self-soothing actions such as fidgeting, biting your nails, twirling your hair, or engaging in other repetitive nervous habits (or behaviors.) While safety behavior allows a person to stay physically present rather than escaping, the behavior often turns into a nervous habit preventing adequate focus to confront the situation."

Source:  http://www.sowhatireallymeant.com/2012/02/20/avoidance-behavior-“i’ve-been-dreading-telling-her-about-our-financial-problems-”/

I personally have done 1-3 many times!  I'm pretty sure I don't have any Safety Behaviors - but I will think about that a bit more and try to be more aware of my habits to identify if I do any of those things.

So, you might think it's weird to be avoiding issues with health - right?  I mean, I think it's weird!  What's the big friggin deal??  

Well, when I say it like that, it does seem a bit silly that I'm making it a "big friggin deal!"  So why am I torturing myself by worrying about things that "might" happen or worrying about how hard it's going to be for me to completely overhaul my diet and maybe once and for all overcome my sugar addiction?  

AH-HA!  

There it is.  PROOF.  I am scared of giving up sugar.

I am scared of giving up foods that I enjoy.

I am scared of failing.

I am scared of the possible extreme pain that lies in my future because of the protocol I'm doing for Lyme.  

I am scared of my RA progressing to the point where my hands and feet are so gnarled that I can't use them anymore.

I am scared that i can't do this.

Why am I letting FEAR control me?  

I used to pride myself in being a "take charge" kind of person.  Someone who wasn't afraid of conflict or problems, but who thrived in taking them head on and trying to figure things out. 

Where is that brave girl?  Who is this new weak version I've become?  

This idea about avoidance has been swirling around in my brain for weeks now.  I know I am avoiding things.  I'm avoiding processing things.  And in doing so I'm not allowing myself to accept my circumstances and move FORWARD.

I really hate it when I know what the right thing is to do, but I just don't WANT to do it.  

Most of the time I don't want to be an adult at all.   It's hard work!

Ultimately I know things will be fine.  I know I'm strong.  I know I can do these "hard things."  I know that I have an amazing family who supports me and lovely friends who also support me.  

Until next time... XOXO

One day at a time...

I started out this week strong and had high hopes for another successful week of eating right & exercising...but then Tuesday night got hit with some nasty upset stomach, got little sleep, and felt YUCKY all day Wednesday...and on top of that got my period.  BLAH!  So I didn't eat great (crackers, toast, soup...) and definitely didn't exercise.  But you know what?  I went to bed early, and woke up feeling SO MUCH BETTER today!

That's when I remembered the best advice ever given -- that applies to pretty much EVERYTHING...

Just take it

ONE

DAY

AT

A

TIME!

So, since I was feeling better today, I was ready to exercise!  It felt so good to get out and go for a walk, and of course to visit with my buddy Megan!  She suggested we start throwing in some walking lunges and squats into the mix, so we did that today and I'm pretty sure my legs will be sore tomorrow!  But it felt good.  Working hard always feels good!

I am so thankful for good friends!  I'm so thankful for a body that is able to exercise and I can't wait to get it into better shape so I can do more fun and adventurous things!

I mean it this time

I've been talking a big talk for a long while now...about how I really want to lose weight, NEED to lose weight for myriad of reasons...

1) for my HEALTH

2) because I want another BABY

3) to FEEL better

4) to have more ENERGY

yada yada yada

I'm sure many of you can relate.

Well, my issue has never really been exercise because I actually LIKE to exercise.  But my issue has always been eating.

Eating TOO MUCH

Eating for the WRONG reasons

Eating the WRONG FOOD

Over the past few years I had developed some really bad habits.  And we all know that breaking bad habits is very hard to do!

BUT...  but but but but but!  I am DOING IT.

I have been following a handful of VERY inspirational people on Instagram who share their journey to health and weightloss with the world.  One in particular would say things in such a way that I seriously felt like she was READING MY MIND.  Like she knew EXACTLY how I felt about food, about my body, about MYSELF.  It didn't take long for me to take to heart what she was saying or rather what she was SHOWING ME ABOUT MYSELF, and my desire to change became something I thought about every day.

But I still wasn't being smart about what I ate, or how much I ate, or anything!  Then she posted an invitation to join her support group and I jumped at the chance!

So the way it works is we have to track everything we eat and our exercise (I'm using MyFitnessPal) and she sends us emails twice a day - morning and night.  She shares her own experiences and is helping us change how we think about food -- teaching us to be aware of WHY we are eating and helping us make better choices.  She also issues challenges to us and asks that we write back answering various questions -- really digging deep into ourselves.

WOW is it emotionally draining, but so therapeutic!  This past week has had lots of ups and downs, lots of tears, lots of "I don't know if I can do this!" moments, but ultimately lots of successes.  I never thought it would be so emotional for me or mentally exhausting re-training my brain to THINK about every bit of food that goes into my mouth -- and tracking everything.  It has been eye opening to see how many calories/fat/sugars I eat.

It is WORKING.

At this point I'm not going to share numbers details -- because it isn't the number on the scale that means the most to me.  But I will share the fact that I have already started losing.

It is so wonderful to me to discover that I CAN DO IT!  In the past, I've lost weight but not really because I was trying very hard to eat healthy -- it's usually been because I was nursing and exercising a lot.  It's about time for me to finally show myself the respect I deserve and love myself enough to live a healthy life!

I've had so many thoughts and feelings over the past week and I kept toying with writing in a journal, but let's be honest, I type much faster -- AND posting to the world (my dear friends and family) helps with my accountability.  And if what I share here helps even ONE person, then I will be so happy!

Thanks for reading!

Season's Greetings!

 

 

 

Merry Christmas!  Here's our card from this year...  I hope that you're all enjoying this holiday season and especially that you feel the love of our Savior as you celebrate His birth. 

 

 

2013 was a good year...here's to another great year in 2014!

 

love you all,

 

xo, Shari



Aleksander is TWO!

This sweet boy turned two last Sunday...  I can't believe how fast time flies!  We chose to celebrate the following day with cupcakes and presents...thanks to Pinterest for the amazing Elmo cupcake idea!  I love how they turned out...and they were super easy!  Aleks was in heaven!  His big brothers were very excited to celebrate with him and help him open his presents...he is so loved! 

I took this after church on his actual birthday...some of you may have already seen it on Instagram or Facebook, but I wanted to include it with this blog post.  His dimples and big blue eyes just melt my heart!  I can't believe we have TWO blondies!

 

Happy Birthday little man!  We love you so much!  

back update and personal peace

First of all, THANK YOU to all of you for your sweet notes and messages of concern and encouragement!  :)  I truly appreciate the advice and offers to walk with me...it really buoys me up knowing I have a support system!  thank you thank you xoxoxoxo

I have started chiropractic treatment and have already seen a difference.  I am feeling very optimistic about being back to "normal" soon!

on another note...

I spoke in Sacrament Meeting today, and am SO GLAD THAT'S OVER! 

PHEW!  what a relief. 

It's so emotionally draining for me.  I was part of a group of members in my ward who were asked to speak, and to take a new approach to how we give talks.  We were asked to base our talks on a specific conference talk (we were each assigned one) but not to regurgitate the original talk.  We all know that when a speaker is reading a lot, or quoting right and left, we tune out.  We were asked to live the principle being taught (I had 2 weeks to prepare, others have longer - I was in the first group) and pray for inspiration to have experiences living that principle.  Then they wanted us to share more personal experiences of that principle - and only use bits and pieces of the original talk by the general authority.  I was super nervous.  And  on top of that, I was sure I was going to fall to pieces and cry and blubber the whole time because the personal experiences I chose to share were 2 very difficult times in my life.  So, I practiced and practiced and cried and cried, and hoped that when the time came to actually present my talk at church, that all the tears would be cried out and I'd be fine.  But, of course that didn't happen :) 

I cried.  a lot.

And so I've had a headache all day :( Blah! 

But, I digress...

I wanted to share those experiences with finding peace during a trial here on my blog... in the hopes that someone else out there will be touched by what I have to say.  However, I am not up to it tonight... still have puffy eyes and a headache... and well, let's be honest, it's past my bed time. :)  yes, 9pm is generally when I start to shut down! 

So, stay tuned for another blog post from me sometime this week... 

love you all! 

xoxo

being fat hurts

Over the past 4 years, I have gained around 50-60 lbs. All of which I had worked hard to lose after I had Drew at the end of 2007. Several factors led to this obnoxious weigh gain, but that's not what I'm here to talk about today. I'm struggling. Big time.

My major issue over the past 18 months has been severe chronic low-back pain - debilitating back pain. It makes me so irritable because it limits what I'm able to accomplish as a mom and plus, just being in pain is a HUGE PAIN! My doctor is convinced that it is a muscle problem, and that once I lose weight and strengthen my core, my back problems will subside.

 I am hopeful that it will, but you see, it's really hard to exercise when you're in pain and constantly afraid that your back will go out. It can happen by just the slightest movement. Reaching into the washing machine. Twisting to put dishes away in the cupboard. Carrying my (30 lb!) baby. And yes, obvious stupid things like moving/carrying heavy objects.

  So, I have made a deal with my doctor to start using My Fitness Pal to help me be accountable for what I'm eating. (Haven't started yet, shhhh!) And he suggested finding friends/family who also use it so we can help encourage each other. Anyone out there use it? I've found a few friends on there, but if you use it also, and would like to add me, my username is "sharibeth78" - please add me!

I made a goal to walk for 30 mins/day. Shouldn't be hard, right? 30 mins is nothing.  This has been hit or miss over the past month - but now that school has started, I've tried to at least walk the boys to or from school every day.  I haven't quite gotten into the to AND from routine yet -- mainly because it's been really hot and I don't want to walk in the afternoon!  I was walking with my friend Tracy for about 2 weeks before school started, but with our busy schedules/kids at different schools/etc that kinda fell to the wayside.  Walking with someone makes the time go by so much faster, and its also a bit therapeutic to have a girlfriend to talk to!  But for now, walking the boys to school is good enough.  It's a little over a mile, which isn't much, but is plenty for the state of my back right now. 

I am currently doing much better, but today marks 6 weeks that I've been in pain - constant pain.  If any of you out there have ever suffered from sciatic pain, you understand how terrible it can be!  Shooting pains down both legs, starting from my butt, all the way through my thighs, down my calves into my feet - sporadically.  It's so annoying!  My tailbone/low back is still very tender and sore, and my butt muscles/hamstrings are EXTREMELY tight and I can hardly stretch at all.  However, when I keep moving, I feel better. 

Which leads me to one of the main problems with this dumb back issue...sitting for long periods of time makes me super stiff and makes the sciatic pain worse...so I've been avoiding a lot of editing, which is just ridiculous because IT HAS TO GET DONE! and I'm the ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO IT!  So...I'm finally grinning and bearing it the best I can, because my dear, sweet friends and clients have been so extraordinarily patient.  I feel awful making them wait for their pictures. 

This trial has given me time to reflect on my personal strength and my stubborn desire to be independent.  It has made me humble myself and receive service.  It has taught me to be grateful for this "imperfect" body - and not to take it for granted and not to abuse it by over-eating and not exercising. The obvious motivation for me to lose weight and strengthen my core is to be healthy and to feel good and be pain free.  But there's another reason I have to do this.  I want another baby.  And I just cannot imagine being pregnant on top of dealing with this back pain - not only that, but I'm unhealthily heavy, and will 100% have gestational diabetes again, which is risky for me and the baby. 

So my friends and family, if any of you are still following this sad blog of mine, will you please say a little prayer for me?  Check in with me occasionally and see how I'm doing... keep me accountable!  I feel like I'm stuck in a fat suit.  It's time to set my body free!

xoxo,
Shari

neglect

I doubt anyone still reads this blog seeing as I haven't posted anything since February! This poor blog has been terribly neglected. Mostly because I haven't had time (haven't made time!) and haven't been inspired/motivated to blog. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it frequently...I come across thoughts and ideas quite often that I think would make great blog posts...but then when it comes down to it, it's just not important enough on my list of priorities/responsibilities, so it just stays neglected. So tonight, in honor and celebration of my TWENTIETH move, I am posting again. And I'd like to share a haiku about my blog: my poor lonely blog quietly unattended is waiting to scream I imagine having duct tape over my mouth, and because I'm bogged down with so many other things, I can't pull the tape off to give my thoughts and ideas a voice. Here's to hoping I will find my place back in the blogging world... I miss it...

Jakob has a blog!

Some of you might find it fun to check out Jakob's new blog... He will be posting pictures that he has drawn every Monday, and has also already posted Chapter 1 of his Amazing Comics of the Mighty Inch-Worm!  Go check it out!  He would LOVE some comments :)  (Link below picture)

http://jakobsdrawings.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

xo, Shari

Lyme Disease really TICKS me off!

I've been campaigning for signatures on a petition to change how insurance companies will cover treatment for people with Lyme Disease for the last week or so on Facebook, Twitter and even sending emails to celebrities who also suffer from Lyme begging for their help.  

Why?  

Because of this story about my cousin Justin:

Lyme disease is the 2nd fastest growing infectious disease in the world. But it gets no attention.

I showed classic signs and symptoms for 4 years. I was finally in a wheelchair before I got a correct diagnosis.

 

They predict it will take 4 years for me to recover to the fullest amount my body will allow.

Lyme disease mimics and can cause permanent diseases; Type 1 Diabetes, MS, ALS, CFS, IBS, CHRONS, CELIAC, FIBRO, RA, MIGRAINES, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, all of which I have been diagnosed with. 

The Center for Disease Control will not allow doctors to treat patients longer then two weeks with antibiotics for this chronic infection;  yet, they will let doctors prescribe years of antibiotics to people for acne. 

The CDC says Lyme is cured with 2 weeks of antibiotics. 

That is just a blatant lie. 

(I am getting better slowly, after months, and coming up on my first year of taking antibiotics everyday).

The disease is commonly known to be spread by a tick, but it can be spread as a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE. I know... I gave it to my wife. I try not to remind myself of that EVERY day. We had been married two years before she, my sister and my dad diagnosed me, and then she tested positive about 6 months after me.The CDC denies that it can be spread this way... like they denied AIDS was an STD in the late '70's.

I have been encouraging my friends who have been chronically ill to get tested. 9/9 have come back positive for Lyme disease! 

You can get this disease anywhere, and sometime in YOUR life, someone you know, besides me, whether closely or distantly, will suffer from this.

It is inevitable. For my age group, this is our generation's AIDS. 

Let's CHANGE this. I am fed up with all HELLTHCARE (Health care)! 

I have experienced the socialized medicine in Canada  and was losing two pounds a day to diabetes for weeks before I was taken seriously! My companion had to carry me into the ER!

Ask yourself how you would respond if someone you loved had a problem like this?

  

Do a good deed for the day, it ONLY takes about 2 minutes. 

1. Create an account (your name, email, and zip code)

2. Click the link sent to you in your email.

3. Sign the petition. 

Please help spread the news!  

We still need nearly 16,000 signatures by TOMORROW, February 10th.

These are the things we should be bringing awareness to. 

Click HERE to sign the petition.  THANK YOU!

Confession

I've been a wife for 11 years, a mother for 10 years, and a an unorganized hot mess for my ENTIRE LIFE.

There was a time that I was proud of my easy-going housekeeping style...but I think it's finally catching up with me and I am just not happy.

I lack discipline and motivation.  Yet, when I DO take the time to clean and organize, I feel SO MUCH BETTER.  I feel happy.  I feel like I accomplished something.  I feel like I've done something that shows my family how much I love them.

Sometime within the last few weeks, we sang a hymn at church that pierced my soul..and I've repeatedly gone back to the phrases in the first verse for inspiration...

Today, while the sun shines, work with a will;

Today all your duties with patience fulfill.

Today, while the birds sing, harbor no care;

Call life a good gift;  call the world fair.

It's always the small, simple messages that hit me the hardest.  It's like a DUH moment, right when you need it, but in a nice way because it's from the Lord.  

I have been known to complain endlessly about the messes at my house...yet hardly ever DO anything to eliminate said messes -- by eliminate I don't just mean clean or tidy up, I mean TEACH my children how to keep things clean and how to MAINTAIN cleanliness.  

Maintenance is my true weakness.  Lack of maintenance is what makes cleaning so overwhelming.  EVERYTHING is a project... not just a 15-20 minute tidy-up job...  

So, my question friends, is HOW do I learn better habits?  I have been lazy and angry about cleaning for so long that I just avoid it and it's definitely NOT something I am proud of.  

I have over 100 pins on Pinterest in my "Cleaning/organizing" board -- it's pathetic.  I find inspiration and examples of great ideas all over the place - yet can't seem to execute them!

Is there such thing as a cleaning therapist?  I mean, sometimes when I watch Hoarders, I secretly wish that those therapists would come to my house -- even though I am not a hoarder...  

Ultimately my guilt and shame about this comes down to the fact that at my core, I truly believe that one of the biggest acts of love and service I can show my husband and children is by making our home a clean and comfortable place to be...a place that they LOVE to be.  And when I don't LOVE to be in my home, I am betting that they don't either.  

Part of this dilemma stems from the fact that we are perpetual renters.  I daydream about decorating, renovating, and putting my own personal stamp on our home - yet, because I'm renting, I am extremely limited in what I can do.  

I am surrounded by gross flat-paint dirty walls (I have a house full of BOYS - do you think white walls stay clean very long here?  NO!) that I ache to paint, but I don't because "who knows how much longer we'll be here" and "why waste the money on decorating a rental?"   

Am I a total mental case?  Maybe.

Am I the only wife/mom/homemaker out there who struggles with this?  No.

So, I am asking for help - yes, I am SOLICITING your advice, tips, experiences, etc.  I know many of you are great at organizing and keeping your homes running smoothly...  This (and many others!) is an area that I want so badly to change in my life, PERMANENTLY.  

Thanks for listening to my rambling!

Jakob is TEN

My sweet Jakob turned 10 on January 4th!  I love this boy so much!  How did he grow up so fast????

I wanted to share some answers from his VIP Interview that he did for his 4th grade class...

What do you want to be when you grow up?  Scientist

One adjective to describe yourself:  Smart

What are your favorite foods?  Orange Chicken, Pizza, Taquitos, BACON

What is your favorite band?  The Killers

What is your favorite car?  Corvette and Camaro

What is your favorite color?  Scarlet

Who is your role model in life?  Dad

If you had a million dollars what would you do?  Buy a mansion, a paintball gun, guards and a butler.

If you could live anywhere else where would it be and why?  Texas because everything is bigger in Texas!

What is your favorite sport?  Soccer

What is your favorite fruit?  Cherry

What is your favorite movie?  Wreck It Ralph and Hugo

If you could have a day off from school and your parents weren't home, what would you do?  Play DS and computer and have friends over

Jakob's birthday fell on a Saturday this year, and so we started the day off with a yummy breakfast of pancakes, eggs and lots of BACON - his favorite!  Then he opened his cards and presents before we headed off on our adventure for the day.  In true form, Jakob requested that we go and visit the California Science Center for his birthday, which is where the space shuttle Endeavour is on exhibit.  It was a really cool place, and like all museums, you can't see everything in ONE day...there's just too much there!  So I hope we will go again soon...

They have a really cool timeline that spans 3 walls of the exhibit showing each shuttle journey...  It was sobering to see the picture of the crew from the Challenger... I will never forget watching that terrible explosion in my 2nd grade class.  We took pictures next to the launches that were closest to the boys' birthdays... Jakob was sad about the Columbia...  That boy!  He got teary eyed and almost wouldn't let me take this picture.

Drew was happy to oblige...but Josh just wasn't feelin' it... little stinker.

I should have brought a wider angle lens with me...  This is my attempt to stitch together multiple images to get the whole shuttle...  It is ENORMOUS.

The big boys wanted to try the climbing wall...Jakob was super excited!  They had never done this before...

Both Drew and Josh gave a valiant effort...but only made it up part way...

Jakob FLEW up that wall like nobody's business!  I guess we found a new sport for him to try!

I love this picture... You can see his shaved eyebrows, his dimples, his freckle on the palm of his hand, and his quirky personality...